I know I have unfinished post and I will finish them but for now I need to ramble a little. I have been divorced for almost 14 years now and except for a couple of years after I have not dated. It has been almost 10 years since I decided to focus only on my kids. I never wanted them to question where they stood on my priority scale. They were number one before all others. I wouldn’t change a single moment of that time but now that the baby has started her freshman year of college I feel a sudden urgency to get back to having a life of my own. I don’t know how to explain it as I am not lonely or afraid of being alone but more tired. I want to have someone again for the highs and the lows. The weddings and the funerals. Someone that is as much my friend as a lover. A real companion. Something I had many many years ago. I want to love. I want to breathe again. I want to trust and feel protected. I don’t want to keep doing everything alone. I am tired and this world is hard.

I did something today I have never done. I set up online dating.. Is this a joke? Has this ever actually worked for anyone? I actually set up a Christian site because that is what i am looking for. There is no way that these men can be real! Even when you try to stick to your age group it sends you the babies. At first I was scrolling through just trying to see what the site was about and apparently that was swiping and liking over 50 men I am now in the process of blocking! I live in a tiny town so if this my only option I sending out my mayday.

I need help! In the form of chocolate or wine I have yet to decide. I am not sure where to go from here. I do not know how to navigate this new world and it makes me want to curl up in my room and live in endless episodes of The Gilmore Girls!!!