After starting the other post I realized that I really needed to start a lot earlier. My purpose of this blog is to finally talk about my past in hopes of healing for my future. It’s a lot and it’s big and scary for me. I knew the only way I could do it was to tell my truth to strangers. Everyone one has the stories they keep hidden and these are mine.

Two weeks before my parents wedding there was a HUGE tornado. It wiped out half the town, the reception hall, and the apartment they were to live in. It’s a running joke in my mind that this was definitely an omen. They came from typical for the times middle class families my mom having two sisters and my dad one of nine. My maternal grandparents were heavily involved and paternal grandparents loved us but had over thirty grandkids to spread it around to. My grandparents were my stability through my childhood and were the reason for any childhood magic I experienced.

My parents moved to my hometown in 1985 so my dad could start his business. That same year the bottom fell out of that particular business but that did not deter my mother. She was having the time of her life with her newfound friends and one in particular looked like the greener grass on the other side of the fence. He was my dads best friend and my soon to be first step dad. There were screaming in the middle of the night fights. On one night I remember the fighting as my mother had come home drunk so my dad had pushed her out on the front porch naked. I was maybe 6 then. I also remember hearing my mother and my dads friend in conversation and seeing them kiss. I didn’t understand at the time but I knew it just felt wrong. I was desperately a daddies girl in my younger years and really believed he could do no wrong.

Around 7-8 my parents divorced. I want to say this was hard on me but for some reason it just didn’t faze me other than missing my dad. I think the fact that we were not a traditional cozy family played a big part in that. There were a ton of baby sitters in our life (I have two younger brothers) and often we were picked up from day care by another sitter taking us home. This was the country club era after all… The nature of my dads business meant many hours spent away and therefore I don’t have many memories of him from my youngest years. But once they were divorced I got every other weekend.

Not long after my parents divorce my mom married my dads best friend and he became step dad number 1. In the mean time my dad married a really sweet woman that just had more baggage than she could handle and it didn’t last long. She was the first person I have memory of reading me books and even took us to a real toy store. She was very kind. She was his 3rd wife. My step dad was not as kind he had a coke problem and brought my mom into the town socialite life. By the time I was in the 5th grade I knew what tattoos a certain prominent business man had on his cheek. The step dad often took discipline too far leaving bruises on us with a belt. There were so many parties outside my bedroom window. My mom seemed to just live in a haze for these years. If we had a bad grade we would be grounded to our room after she took everything out of it for 6 weeks. Helping you with homework or going over your work to check it was unheard of though. My mother would send us to pick out our own belt and would wale on us. We sometimes received over 16 licks at a time. But the hardest thing during this time came during a vacation. We were on a beach trip and had a condo in walking distance. My mom sent me and my younger brothers down to the beach with my new stepbrother that was in early high school. We heard some girls we had met crying under a pier and as we went to help or try to help I was caught in the under tow. I will never forget that feeling of wanting to give up under that pier. My body was heavy and I was so very tired. A fisherman climbed down the pier and literally saved me. I don’t remember his face but I can still picture his hand and I can still hear him telling me to take it. This was the first time I was old enough to know that that was a GOD thing. There were ambulances and cops and reporters but my mom had no idea until we walked in the door and told her. I will never forget how angry she was and then her telling me they were going out to recover after her “scare” and we were left again with the step brother.

During the time my mother was married to stepdad his mother started taking us to church with her. She wasn’t super lovey like my moms mother but she was patient with us, always carried peppermints in her purse, and let me play with her hands during the sermons. My mom came with us on special occasions but going with her those few years was our only “church” experience besides random times we went with aunt or grandparents while visiting. I was baptized in that church. My dad had several girlfriends after my first step mom. They were all pretty indifferent to us. At this time his business was growing and he had a really good reputation in our little town. They were not unkind but they were not like her. By the time I was 9 I had the step mom that is still married to my dad today. It was a tug of war from day one.

She was young. I remember one night at about 10 crying into the night because I had been at my dads the week of spring break and he had been working late for most of it. I missed my dad. He came and got me when he got home and let me climb in his bed. She lost it. Yelling over and over that this her time with him and she was leaving. They fought a lot and he drank more and more. There were cops called often. I still remember being somewhat fascinated by her though because she took her daughter to the dentist. We didn’t do that with my mom. We did not have well visit check ups either. Not because of money as there was plenty. I’m guessing it just never fit in her schedule. She also went over spelling words and helped her daughter with homework. This was the first time I was around that. Then she got pregnant with my half brother. There were so many times my dad would excuse her terrible behavior passing it off as hormones. I was 12 and she had turned it into a competition that I would lose every time. He never picked me. He never stopped her. Just told me to keep the peace.

A few blocks a way it wasn’t a lot better. My step dad never targeted us we were just pretty much on our own. There was never supervision. from the time were about 8 we were left home alone more often than not. I was then in the curious stages of junior high. In 7th grade my mothers liquor cabinet was so fully stocked that she never knew my friends and I were regulars. There were very few extra curriculars and definitely was hit or miss on having someone there to watch. It was the same with school plays etc. I never knew at the time what I was missing but as a parent it hurts my heart for the little girl I was. I did become an avid reader and loved that it let me escape. Late in my 7th grade year I moved in with my dad. There was a short honeymoon and then my step mom really ramped it up. She could not wait to meet my dad in the driveway every day with her complaints. I remember he was supposed to be the one to pick me up after a school function as he was drunk. I remember learning what assume means while listening to their fight. That was also something that I took the blame for. Also at this time my mom caught my step dad in a big cheating scandal and they divorced. With the divorce we also lost the step grandmother taking us to church and we never saw her again. I still do not believe that was her choice. My mom lived with a couple men and some by herself during the time shortly after. I started high school and with each year it became more miserable. My freshman year I will never forget the senior boys calling my mom “hot pants” because she hung out and went on their senior trip with them. But at her house all I had to do was beat her home from the bar. She never asked who I was with or where I went. By my junior year every day started and ended with a fight with my step mom. I couldn’t take any more and eventually left. After my mom denied me living with her I was sent to my maternal grand parents to finish high school. In that time my mother married my 2nd step dad her 3rd husband. But this one made her also kick my two brothers out as “he wasn’t raising another mans kids” and they moved in with my dad.

There wasn’t many I love you’s growing up with my parents. I knew they loved me but it was rarely said. They were always quicker to throw money at a problem. There were no snuggle days there were no blanket forts and there were very few hugs. There was no one to go to when a friend or boy broke your heart and there was no one to she the good stuff with. Just eggshells and inadequacy. That is where my grandmother exceled but it was too late. I think this caused it to be awkward and foreign to me to be affectionate. I never learned to talk through feelings because I was never allowed to have them. Kids were to be seen and not heard. I was never chosen first by either parent and was for sure never their priority. This has stuck with me for 44 years. That I was never enough for them to be proud of me. I was tolerated but never wanted.